Lower goals

I had a word with someone  I like  to think of as a coach.  We chat on a regular basis and he  encourages me in  lots of different ways.   I told him that I am not well.  Not really sick  but lacking in energy to run and thus getting more and more depressed. and that I had started the blog again... well I say blog.. it is a couple of lines a week, a suicide note in installments if you like.
He asked me 

"What's the issue? you just dont want to run? starting too fast or just no energy?
If its the latter you probably need to stroke your pussy some more and realise your a wonderful lovely funny bloke, as well as a massive unt of course...and it may take time...but you deserve this.
as Debbie Consani once wrote " your innapropriatness and an enthusiasm is what we love about you. " so BE fucking inapropriate. But revel in it, you've earnt it

I confessed that I don't want to run coz I am frightened about how shit I will be

Which elicited the response

"I think it’s good of you to tease out the act of self ending behaviour- it’s exciting to read yet disappointing in detail."

Which made me laugh out loud and then he suggested the following

"Equally I think that I might be able to offer something to be ignored and forgotten or considerd when you have a moment... or not of course.....: The best single thing that has occurred in the last few years was a massive lowering of targets. Not goals, but of day to day targets. This is a long term thing; it can  take years to accept it would help, Just not training too big or too hard; always measuring by how unfucked or fucked  you are afterwards,  not by how good you used to be.  That may see you consistantly go out and run to build up a base and show small, and very slow improvements. "

So after over a week of not running I went out and ran in the rain.

• Big pouring rain that makes you feel alive.
• Rain that soaks through the best waterproof jackets
• Rain that comes in great pouring  sheets that you can see for miles.
• Rain that runs down the road washing all before it
• Rain  that stops the hardest of birds from flying

I covered 10km.  I didn't switch the GPS watch on all the way. I didn't care what the time was. 

It didn't hurt... I ran all the way...and I didn't feel fucked afterwards

I then resolved to run every day...which was of course a mistake and not according to the lowering of targets.  WHAT A KNOB!

I will go out on  Tuesday and see how that goes.  no target,  just run for a bit.